The Vatican’s Next Top Dog

 

 

 

 

****Hit PLAY now. This post deserves background music while you’re reading it*****

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Have you ever dreamed of living in Rome? Do you have an inner-confidence that allows you to feel like you are better than everyone else? Ever feel like you should be worshiped by millions? Do you look good in big hats? Then maybe you have what it takes to be the Vatican’s Next Top Dog!

Yes folks, it’s the reality show you’ve been waiting your whole mediocre lives for. Mediocre lives which are loved by God just a little bit less than God’s love for the Pope. Compete with other people from around the globe, and maybe some who came straight down from heaven. Contestants who look like ordinary humans like the rest of us, but consider themselves saints who one day, hope to have their ring kissed by strangers like a scene out of The Godfather.

But how do you know if you’re up to the challenge? Well, have you ever wanted to get away with previous war crimes and crimes to humanity and have everyone forgive you because the Church tells everyone it’s ok now? Then maybe Pope is the gig for you! Have you ever wanted to posses magical powers like Superman and leprechauns? The Pope has them. Ever wanted to live a completely corrupt life while having people believe that it’s all ok because you are part of the Catholic Church? Well, actually, you could just apply for a Cardinal or priest position, but that’s another show. Do you like to wear gold and lots of bling that poor people pay for because they believe in God and the faith that their God represents ? Guess what. So does the Pope.

Yes folks and believers of  fairytales, your time to shine is finally here. Compete in weekly elimination rounds that will prove to our judges, and America, that you have what it takes to be the Vatican’s Next Top Dog.

Tasks such as waving.

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Sitting.

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Waving AND Sitting

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and yes… allowing the Dark Side of the Force to flow through you.

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Be judged by other people who truly believe they act on behalf of God and feel they have the right to judge us regular mortals because God told them to. God speaks to them and through them, but don’t worry because that is not remotely crazy. Our celebrity panel will include Tea Party leader and expert of how the female reproductive system works, Todd Aiken. Rick Santorum who firmly believes”  “I don’t want to make black people’s lives better by giving them somebody else’s money”. Westboro Baptist Church leader Fred Phelps who believes that the children who were murdered in Newtown, CT. had it coming because he knows for a fact that. “God Sent the Shooter,” and wants us to “sing praise to God for the glory of his work in executing his judgment.” Of course, it wouldn’t be a panel without famed ex-Vice Presidential candidate, Sarah Palin who can see Russia from her front porch in Anchorage. No one loves God and hates gays more than this all-star panel! If these folks can’t tell you who God’s next Chosen One is…well then I don’t know who can.

Join us on God’s Channel, Fox News, as we air the most exciting televised event since what would have been the Resurrection of Christ, had Rupert Murdoch been around to exploit it. It’s The Vatican’s Next Top Dog. To find out where local auditions will be held, call 1-800-VATI-CAN.

What are you waiting for? The power of Christ compels you. You know it does. Call now. Your potential millions of blind sheep await your next instructions.

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About tourmama616

Hey there! I march to the beat of my own drum. I work in the music business and because of that, travel often. I'm cynical, yet positive, with a very healthy dose of sarcasm. I love writing. This blog is a mishmash of everything I am passionate about, categorized for your convenience..an organized glimpse into my head, if you will. I find inspiration and beauty in the oddest things and I wholeheartedly admit that I have a shopping problem. Humor, fashion, art in every format, creating amazing dishes, local breweries, whiskey tasting, hockey, sword fighting, remembering to appreciate the little things and making people laugh are some of the things that I enjoy. The world is our playground and you have found your way to mine. Let me show you the world through my eyes, and hopefully, give you a laugh while I'm at it.

12 comments

  1. You are so going to hell for this hahaha! Love it! And coming to think of it – I am a hat person. I prefer sitting over standing anytime and I can do at least 50 variations of waving. AND I would be really good at picking the wine for services and clerical orgi… ahem… times of contemplation. Pleeeaaase post this on FB and be ready for the attacks of somebody special. For the record: I do respect faith and religion and the good social work churches do. I just do not believe in anyone who claims to be God’s rep and preaching bullshit at the same time.

  2. Already posted and I am waiting with baited breath for the response. For the record, I too, absolutely respect people’s faith, and if their church can give them a healthy outlet for community and social work, I wholeheartedly back it up. What I DO NOT have tolerance for, are corrupt people, corrupt religious organization, hate mongers, ignorant people, people who preach, or people who feel they have the right to judge others for something they do not believe in all in the name of their religion.

  3. Reblogged this on The Playground and commented:

    Current Rantings on The Bohemian Playground.

  4. And don’t forget the misogyny, the homophobia, the nazi past and the paedophilia

  5. Exactly…you know you’d watch it 😉

  6. Michela

    Sitting AND waving at the same time? Damn it, why so difficult? That panel’s not making it easy uh?

  7. I know!!! It’s a very serious job that requires a lot of things.. like sitting, or waving and sometimes even doing both at the same time. The judges will want to make sure the next Pope is able to do this as it is the bulk of his job description.

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